"The conversation"

I am going to get into a lot of trouble for this, but I feel compelled to talk about something that has been pushed into the darkness of Christian marriage. Now I’m sure that you are wondering why I'm making a distinction between marriage and Christian marriage; however, I did this because unless you are a Child of Light then your definition of marriage will be different.

Romans 8:5:  "For they that are after the flesh do mind the things of the flesh; but they that are after the Spirit the things of the Spirit."

When we discuss spiritual matters I am referencing those that seek God first in their decision process thus seek to please the Father in all aspects of their lives. Now with that out of the way lets’ dive right into my favorite topic. Sex.

Okay now for those of you that are squimish about the word then I will repeat it.

Sex,

Sex,

Sex,

Sex.

If you can’t say it to your spouse and not giggle, squirm or feel uncomfortable it may be the reason why the physical intimacy in your marriage is suffering. I am very excited about this journey in my life because for the first time I am associating a physical feeling in sex to the feelings that I have for my spouse. It’s not something that I use as leverage to increase his feelings for me or to get something I want i.e. gifts or preferential treatment.

 

Now, I know that the super saints may be reading this and saying, "there are other ways to be intimate" and I agree but let’s face it. (Talking to the ladies) YOUR MAN NEEDS THE PHYSICAL PART! You may be a part of the 10% as I am that associate sex with a physical release but the majority of men naturally do so.

So why are you writing this Nadia? (I’m a great mind reader)

I am writing this because it saddens me to talk to women who don’t feel comfortable with their own bodies enough to gain the same pleasure during sex as their husbands. So many women suffer in silence because they don’t know how to express to their man their personal needs.  There are some things that have hindered the “conversation” to our spouse and I want to talk about a few reasons.

Lack of knowledge and fear of rejection

Lack of knowledge of how to articulate your sexual personal needs can cause a plethora of issues in marriage. How do you tell your husband that when he touches you in a particular way that it doesn’t turn you on? Well I’m going to state the obvious: Just Do It (Thanks Nike!)

 

Now before I go on I need to impress this fact; most men associate their masculinity with their sex so if you want to keep your man then approach it delicately and rather earlier than later. (Graphic description) If your husband has been fondling your breast for 10 years and you’ve never liked it then you can’t be distraught by his lack of desire to change the behavior. Men are most vulnerable when in a sexual position so if you want to teach a new behavior then you initiate it. Most men will generously change if they believe that the result to a favorable one.  

Now be gentle with your honest moment with your spouse because you don’t want him to fell inadequate about your sex life, your approach is critical to the success. Try to set the mood with candles, lingerie or changing your environment for example. It will assist your husband in being more creative or positive about change.

Afraid of rejection

 

Many women are afraid that if they confess, their spouse will shut down immediately. It may be the case, but I can guarantee you this, any man that seeks to have a great sex life with his wife will do what it takes. You possibly know everything there is to know about your man. So you know what tone you have to give him in order to keep your conversation civil and loving. Never insult your man’s sex. Rule #1 NEVER! If you do, then you should prepare yourself for rejection. Make sure that your delivery is as gentle as possible.  Be careful to also never compare your husband’s fingerprint to an ex. DANGEROUS! You can create a stigma that will haunt your intimacy.

You should do all of this NAKED! (I’m just saying)

There are medical issues that also must be addressed and acknowledged. Trust me there is a pill for everything! I’d rather please my husband than to walk around in denial about my problem.  There is absolutely no excuse for not pleasing your spouse if it is in your control to do so.

As women , wives, and mothers we have several outside influences that affect our ability to be sexual and if you don’t acknowledge them then you are hurting yourself. I have often had to run myself a hot bath and retreat into my personal space to “feel” like it but I understand my husband and am very in touch with his sexual needs. Now if we want to talk about them let me just talk about you! Setting the mood is critical.

 

I demand that you throw away the flannels and ratty t-shirt for bed. Make your bedroom a haven for intimacy whether you’re naked or not. Stock up on the things that make you feel good as well as him. (you two decide that) There may be something that your husband doesn’t like that you do. however, be open enough to take the same criticism that you plan to give.  Opening the dialogue between you and your husband may be hard but if you want a love life that is electric then you have to have “the conversation.”

 

Recommended reading:* Intimacy for Pleasure* Ed Wheat MD and Gaye Wheat

Broken silence....

In my novel I talk about the sensitive subject of sexual perversion and my pornography addiction.  

Many times in my marriage I chose masturbation over the intimate moment with my husband. With the secret of this addiction I found nowhere to turn. I felt hopeless, mainly because my secret brought such shame. I felt that people, especially the women that prayed and spoke in tongues, believed that only men or the sexually abused struggled with the addiction of masturbation. I didn’t want to talk to my friends, I couldn’t tell my Pastor and I didn’t know how to tell my husband, let alone ask him to forgive me for my distant behavior. 

My only reason for discussing something so personal and private is to help other women who are silently struggling in the pews with this same pain as I did.  After my divorce I went from man to man attempting to satisfy the sexual urges I felt; attempting to satisfy the insatiable need for sexual penetration. As cliché as it may sound from the outside I need you to know that those experiences will never fulfill you. They are only a temporary solution that will not fulfill you permanently. 

The only One that can satisfy you is the Lord. His love is eternal and although there may still be an ache I can guarantee that the fight get’s easier. What you may have struggled with everyday will become less and less of a struggle overtime. There is hope. There is deliverance. Know that the word of God is clear when He says that He came that you may be free…. Free from bondage. His desire is that none would be held captive with anything.

I still struggle with the overwhelming urges, but God gets me through. I am honest with my husband and with myself and my goal in life is to create a safe environment for other women to come forward and support each other.  Listen, you don’t have to suffer in silence any longer. We are our brother's and sister's keeper!

Father, I am coming to you on behalf of my sister or brother that is reading this. Father, if they are struggling with any kind of sexual perversion I ask God now that they be healed.  Father, your Word says that you would that no man would perish and that we would be free now I speak freedom over them in the Name of Jesus. Father, I ask that as you say in your word that in situations that they find themselves tempted that they would see and feel the way of escape. Father, give them strength to reach out to the right people and discuss this without shame or fear or rejection. Father, now I ask that they find an outlet that keeps their mind on things that are lovely, pure and of good report. All these things I ask in your son Jesus name.. Amen....

Be Blessed.