I'm still learning....

When I was growing up I dreamed of being this corporate lady with a briefcase and a suit ruling the world. I dreamed of having a fortune 500 company after I graduated college with my Doctorate in Marketing. My girlfriend and I at 18 had more visions about our glowing future than I can remember. We would be rich, famous and men would be something we wore like a bracelet or broach that accentuated our outfits. At 19, Our dreams were interrupted by my desire to get married. I called her up one day  and told her “Hey I’m getting married and I want you to be there” dropping out of Albany State University to become a wife to a minister. The next 6 years of my life seem like a blur because I forgot everything there was about being Nadia and immersed myself in being what I thought I should be. I made so many mistakes. I did make a prince and two princesses I did that right!!  Then when I got the strength to leave and reform myself I sank further into a hole of depression. I forgot all the things that I once sat in front of my mirror and confessed about who God had made me.

Then in a twist of fate God blessed me with a little angel baby Audrey Rose in the midst of the pit I lay holding my stomach staring up into the hope of God and saying “Why God right now??”  He taught me how to love myself again after years of self hatred, self loathing and self abuse. He showed me that my life is what I make it and my past could only hold me hostage if I allowed it to. In the background he was forming my life and I was learning to trust God again with my everything. That same gift brought me him.. him difficult.. complicated yet the most loving man that I had known.  He seemed to breathe something into me, he calls it the Mathews SWAG… I chuckle because now I walk different and sound different and I know it is because before I knew it I let myself love  that again. Then…… I found the dream that I once held tight at 15 years old. I remembered that I wanted to be a mogul. An executive but I forgot that that executive is a mother and wife first. I dove head first into my business Grace and Peace Productions. Working until 2 am in the morning, waking up and rushing to the computer for a new idea, leaving the gift I promised to love alone. Sounds familier…. Well this morning I had the most difficult conversation with my love. A decision must be made.. Either you figure out how to balance the hat of executive and wife and mother or you could watch me walk away. WOW!!! Not me not Nadia- I know –how to treat my man right everyone calls me for advice Mathews… How did I miss this?? I was doing everything I knew to do even set aside a day just for him but I was missing something. I prayed, fasted, worked, gave up the goodies but where was the compassionate wife. Where was the one that just laid down and listened to him. I just learned something about myself. In my quest to follow my ambitions sometimes I forget about what’s going on around me.

So I am writing him this letter:

Dear Booski,

I just want to apologize for losing sight of us. Losing sight of who God called me to be with you first. From the first time that you shined that smile in my direction I haven;’t been the same. There is no words to describe how I feel when I am with you and I thank God everyday for giving me what he gave me. When I wake up each morning and look at you I know how much God loves me. You cover me in a way that I didn’t know existed I feel so safe and my life would not be the same if you weren’t here. I know that I ramble and am preachy but you still love me and it’s like gas in my tank lol So I just hope

that you know I’m riding this thang till the wheels fall off and when they do I’ll let you pop a pill and we gon keep riding lol

I’m all in boo! For real.

Sign Nadia Mathews FOREVER!

Let's talk about fidelity....

This morning I was flipping through the channels when I came across one of my favorite movies, "Unfaithful." Now I’m sure that you’re asking why this would be one of my faves; well it’s because I felt like it was a realistic view of infidelity.

If you have been like me and you've been on both sides of this scenario then you are equally intrigued by the topic. What makes a man cheat? What makes a woman cheat? Both great questions but I’d like to challenge those thoughts with this: what happens in a relationship that makes one believe that infidelity is the only choice?

As my husband and I watched the popular movie this morning it sparked a great dialogue. I began to see signs of the marriage in the movie going in the other direction despite the routine of spending time with their son.  Recently, in an interview I was asked the question about whether there were signs that my ex husband was engaging in dialogue with another woman. Of course there were, but like the guy in the movie I was more consumed with other things then to entertain my notions of cheating. I loved my then husband and I believed that love was enough to secure my position in the marriage. It was easy to go back into our marriage after the divorce and see the mistakes I made, but the fact is by then it’s too late! It was too late to say wow, “I wish I had noticed that I did that,” or “I was too critical” or maybe I should have asked myself why he never seemed to want to come home. Introspection is great but what’s greater is the ability to see the problem while you’re in your marriage and fix it.

 

Listen, I am not suggesting that you question every move that your spouse makes but I would suggest that you keep all lines of communication open.  I am also suggesting that you pay attention to your spouse’s behaviors and responses to you. Before you follow them in your car with dark shades and a trench coat, ask! I know it seems like an obvious suggestions but it’s the way that you ask.  Instead of using the accusatory tone that seems justified try being understanding and attempt to spark a dialogue. A conversation that asks what the other seems to be dissatisfied about in the relationship, what you can do to change that. We have to be more proactive in marriage, before the issues of incompatibility and disinterest in each other turns to curiosity for another person. We’ve all been there in our marriage when we felt like we were missing  something in the link we look outside of our link to find that completion whether it be in others or in something.

 

My challenge to you is to ask the tough questions today so that you can preserve your relationship tomorrow!

"The conversation"

I am going to get into a lot of trouble for this, but I feel compelled to talk about something that has been pushed into the darkness of Christian marriage. Now I’m sure that you are wondering why I'm making a distinction between marriage and Christian marriage; however, I did this because unless you are a Child of Light then your definition of marriage will be different.

Romans 8:5:  "For they that are after the flesh do mind the things of the flesh; but they that are after the Spirit the things of the Spirit."

When we discuss spiritual matters I am referencing those that seek God first in their decision process thus seek to please the Father in all aspects of their lives. Now with that out of the way lets’ dive right into my favorite topic. Sex.

Okay now for those of you that are squimish about the word then I will repeat it.

Sex,

Sex,

Sex,

Sex.

If you can’t say it to your spouse and not giggle, squirm or feel uncomfortable it may be the reason why the physical intimacy in your marriage is suffering. I am very excited about this journey in my life because for the first time I am associating a physical feeling in sex to the feelings that I have for my spouse. It’s not something that I use as leverage to increase his feelings for me or to get something I want i.e. gifts or preferential treatment.

 

Now, I know that the super saints may be reading this and saying, "there are other ways to be intimate" and I agree but let’s face it. (Talking to the ladies) YOUR MAN NEEDS THE PHYSICAL PART! You may be a part of the 10% as I am that associate sex with a physical release but the majority of men naturally do so.

So why are you writing this Nadia? (I’m a great mind reader)

I am writing this because it saddens me to talk to women who don’t feel comfortable with their own bodies enough to gain the same pleasure during sex as their husbands. So many women suffer in silence because they don’t know how to express to their man their personal needs.  There are some things that have hindered the “conversation” to our spouse and I want to talk about a few reasons.

Lack of knowledge and fear of rejection

Lack of knowledge of how to articulate your sexual personal needs can cause a plethora of issues in marriage. How do you tell your husband that when he touches you in a particular way that it doesn’t turn you on? Well I’m going to state the obvious: Just Do It (Thanks Nike!)

 

Now before I go on I need to impress this fact; most men associate their masculinity with their sex so if you want to keep your man then approach it delicately and rather earlier than later. (Graphic description) If your husband has been fondling your breast for 10 years and you’ve never liked it then you can’t be distraught by his lack of desire to change the behavior. Men are most vulnerable when in a sexual position so if you want to teach a new behavior then you initiate it. Most men will generously change if they believe that the result to a favorable one.  

Now be gentle with your honest moment with your spouse because you don’t want him to fell inadequate about your sex life, your approach is critical to the success. Try to set the mood with candles, lingerie or changing your environment for example. It will assist your husband in being more creative or positive about change.

Afraid of rejection

 

Many women are afraid that if they confess, their spouse will shut down immediately. It may be the case, but I can guarantee you this, any man that seeks to have a great sex life with his wife will do what it takes. You possibly know everything there is to know about your man. So you know what tone you have to give him in order to keep your conversation civil and loving. Never insult your man’s sex. Rule #1 NEVER! If you do, then you should prepare yourself for rejection. Make sure that your delivery is as gentle as possible.  Be careful to also never compare your husband’s fingerprint to an ex. DANGEROUS! You can create a stigma that will haunt your intimacy.

You should do all of this NAKED! (I’m just saying)

There are medical issues that also must be addressed and acknowledged. Trust me there is a pill for everything! I’d rather please my husband than to walk around in denial about my problem.  There is absolutely no excuse for not pleasing your spouse if it is in your control to do so.

As women , wives, and mothers we have several outside influences that affect our ability to be sexual and if you don’t acknowledge them then you are hurting yourself. I have often had to run myself a hot bath and retreat into my personal space to “feel” like it but I understand my husband and am very in touch with his sexual needs. Now if we want to talk about them let me just talk about you! Setting the mood is critical.

 

I demand that you throw away the flannels and ratty t-shirt for bed. Make your bedroom a haven for intimacy whether you’re naked or not. Stock up on the things that make you feel good as well as him. (you two decide that) There may be something that your husband doesn’t like that you do. however, be open enough to take the same criticism that you plan to give.  Opening the dialogue between you and your husband may be hard but if you want a love life that is electric then you have to have “the conversation.”

 

Recommended reading:* Intimacy for Pleasure* Ed Wheat MD and Gaye Wheat

Broken silence....

In my novel I talk about the sensitive subject of sexual perversion and my pornography addiction.  

Many times in my marriage I chose masturbation over the intimate moment with my husband. With the secret of this addiction I found nowhere to turn. I felt hopeless, mainly because my secret brought such shame. I felt that people, especially the women that prayed and spoke in tongues, believed that only men or the sexually abused struggled with the addiction of masturbation. I didn’t want to talk to my friends, I couldn’t tell my Pastor and I didn’t know how to tell my husband, let alone ask him to forgive me for my distant behavior. 

My only reason for discussing something so personal and private is to help other women who are silently struggling in the pews with this same pain as I did.  After my divorce I went from man to man attempting to satisfy the sexual urges I felt; attempting to satisfy the insatiable need for sexual penetration. As cliché as it may sound from the outside I need you to know that those experiences will never fulfill you. They are only a temporary solution that will not fulfill you permanently. 

The only One that can satisfy you is the Lord. His love is eternal and although there may still be an ache I can guarantee that the fight get’s easier. What you may have struggled with everyday will become less and less of a struggle overtime. There is hope. There is deliverance. Know that the word of God is clear when He says that He came that you may be free…. Free from bondage. His desire is that none would be held captive with anything.

I still struggle with the overwhelming urges, but God gets me through. I am honest with my husband and with myself and my goal in life is to create a safe environment for other women to come forward and support each other.  Listen, you don’t have to suffer in silence any longer. We are our brother's and sister's keeper!

Father, I am coming to you on behalf of my sister or brother that is reading this. Father, if they are struggling with any kind of sexual perversion I ask God now that they be healed.  Father, your Word says that you would that no man would perish and that we would be free now I speak freedom over them in the Name of Jesus. Father, I ask that as you say in your word that in situations that they find themselves tempted that they would see and feel the way of escape. Father, give them strength to reach out to the right people and discuss this without shame or fear or rejection. Father, now I ask that they find an outlet that keeps their mind on things that are lovely, pure and of good report. All these things I ask in your son Jesus name.. Amen....

Be Blessed.